I have this thing //
I have this thing with power //
balancing the act of walking the tightrope of having it and losing it /
trying to knead it /
mould it /
hold it /
as if it were play dough like I had to ever since I was 8 years old //
I have this thing with the past //
It is dusty and gravelly and seemingly barren but somehow the moss finds places to call home /
it cannot be haunting if life survives there //
I have this thing with writing //
I will fail English the same year that I discover metaphors and similes can juxtapose my deepest wounds /
I will beg for second chances /
filled with empty promises /of making //
of hoping my immigrant parents are proud //
I have this thing with air signs //
They are effortless and swift in their charms and equally in their laziness /
they will transform my feelings into words until I let them play Tetris with how I think //
I have this thing with big brown eyes //
seeing through them is not enough /
I want to become one with the earth that sprouts within them /
their warmth /
how do I become worthy of their love?//
I have this thing with songs //
they're like time machines to places that exist in a world behind the veil - only I have been cursed blessed with the key /
they can destroy me /
they can also bring me peace //
I have this thing with my body //
I will feel the divinity within but reject the skin it reflects without /
I chose this body only to reject the way it feels outside of me //
I have this thing with re reading conversations that I once loved //
reminding myself of times where love once loved me /
because of this amnesiac quality where acceptance is supposed to be //
I have this thing with the inability of being a visitor in the past //
or being a visitor anywhere for too long /
I cannot outstay my welcome or risk being kicked out //
I have this thing with fires //
lighting them and becoming them /
I have always had this thing with breathing things that can hurt me //
I have this thing with remaining a product of freedom //
so desperate to stay free that I tether myself to just about anyone's meaninglessful gazes and pretty daisy chain sentences /
and yet somehow be a stranger to the weight of an anchor /
this realm was never meant for me //
I have this thing with devotion and liability //
I've been trying for 26 years to understand what discipline and consistency looks like /
I will skip meals to hug them /
evade sleep just to lie next to them /
because love is meant to transcend /
my love knows not / your bounds //
as long as I love me / right?//
I have this thing with food //
I will murder my appetite to escape indulging alone /
and I will slash the seams of my stomach because the wires get crossed between my heart and brain /
somehow, I lived to breathe another day //
I have this thing with Jupiter and Neptune //
one is my traditional ruler / one is my modern ruler /
they are sewn together in the tapestry of my birth chart /
the fabric of time is melding with mine /
thread is dislocating at the seams //
expansivity //
I have this thing with self //
I will construct a bark spider-like web of domains filled with dimensions that surpass the capabilities of a natural ego /
all to avoid the settlement of my arrival to humanity //
Suffice to say I will keep having things //
these things are what keep me wanting to be alive //
until I can strip this flesh prison //
whilst still sharing the hues of earthen clay //
exoskeleton //
I just have this thing //